Saturday July 30, 2005
Remembering

Today you would have been 35 years old.  I miss you.

“In His Shadow”

I had a hard time getting a date in high school. I found out later that it was because of my older brother Travis. Travis, captain of the football and wrestling teams, made it known that any guy who wanted to date his younger sister had to beat him in a fight. Ugh! I was horrified, but unable to do anything about it. I was just a girl.

Travis and I were only one year and exactly two weeks apart. That mere one year and two weeks was all he needed to cast his shadow and self-appoint himself as ruler and boss of his younger siblings, namely me. I felt Travis lived to torment and tease me to no end, often reducing me to tears. His language, at times, could make a sailor blush. His gray-green eyes would twinkle mischievously in his boyish face, as he cocked his head to the side laughing his lively laugh (more of a giggle really), while he annoyed me. Travis wasn't a tall man in height, claiming to be 5' 11", but in reality 5'8", or 5'9" on a good day. He made up for what he felt was his lacking in height by having a large stature, working out nearly every day. He was physically fit, lean, and tenacious - attracting and appealing to the opposite sex; consequently, that knowledge gave him confidence. "Mr. Popular" or not, Travis’ shadow was overpowering me causing sibling rivalry.

I was 15 years old when I met my future husband, Brad. After I turned 16 and could date, Brad and I were on our first date together at a local rodeo, when we ran into Floyd Ence, an old friend of the family. Floyd in his boisterous voice said, "Travis - Jenny, how the hell are you? Tell your dad that I need to talk to him about my pump, it's been acting funny."

"Floyd" I said, "this isn't Travis, this is my date Brad."

"Holy hell, I thought you were Travis - you sure look like him."

Later on I told Travis what happened. He was appalled that someone would mistakenly think that he would hang out with his sister; also, that was totally “uncool” in his book and he told anyone within earshot how he felt. A sweet, elderly lady in our neighborhood, after hearing Travis' loudly voiced opinion, asked him if he understood the significance. She then explained to him that dating and marrying someone that either resembled or was like her dad or brother was the greatest compliment a young girl could give. He never said another negative word about it.

When I got married, Travis was living in the Fiji Islands. He was also living there when I had my first child, a son. I named my son Wyatt, Travis’ middle name. He called me collect (which scared me to death as poor as we were at the time), obvious excitement in his voice at being a first time uncle. He felt that it was an honor that I named my son after him, an honor that he took seriously. He was humbled. We had both matured.

I saw my brother with both of my children as well as my nieces and nephews; he was like a child himself among them. He loved them; his shadow lengthened. I watched him marry, and then in March of ’97 I saw this brother of mine become a father himself. The teasing tormentor became tender and gentle. His shadow had purpose, conviction, and strength.

A car hit Travis (he was on a motorcycle) on September 24, 1997 while he was going to Dixie College. Hearing of his accident, I was in my truck headed towards the hospital when I remembered something Travis told me clear back in high school. He said, “J” (Travis always called me J) “I am going to die before you, and when I do, I just want you to know that everything will be okay. Don’t forget that I want to be an organ donor. Remember this J; please remember this.” I was numb, but I understood.

Travis never woke up from his coma, and nine days later on October 3, he died. My hero, my protector, my brother died. I spoke at his funeral; I knew he wanted me to. I felt his love, his shadow, and his spirit.
 

Always In My Heart

I close my eyes and I see your face
It's like your right in front of me
You're in another time and place
And sometimes I wonder if you see me
The memories I have will never be replaced
You will always be a part of me
You're in my heart

I can see your smile, the way you grin
I close my eyes and see you
I hear your voice whispering on the wind
I close my eyes and feel you
I imagine you there, we begin
I open my mind and I am near you
You're in my heart

I'm scared to dream, because it's just a dream
I wake up and you're not there
I always felt like we were a team
I wake up and the ache is still there
Realization makes me numb it seems
I wake up and I am aware
You're always in my heart

Copyright©2000 JLCD

I am still in his shadow; it will always be.